Life Lately

Once upon a time I had like, 2-3 kids and had time to blog about fun things like cloth diapers. Now,  I'm just a Mom in over her head with 8 and can seriously only blog every few months a little update! Give some credit for keeping it real ;-)

If you don't already know- we brought our newest daughter (8th child) HOME in early June. Olive Grace, she is 7 (ish) and has been transitioning wonderfully considering what a HUGE impact this is on their little lives. Our home is a little louder (ok, a lot), a little messier, quicker to run out of everything (hello food) and just non-stop. A week after coming home we left for a week long vacation. A day after getting home from that we started VBS at our home church for a week so we have been go, go, go and I just really want an awesome nap!

But really, she has done beautifully. I'm so proud of her and all of the things she is willing to try and do that she didn't even know existed 3 weeks ago. Reason number 3059523948586 why older child adoption is worth it.

Grafting her into our family has been, interesting. When we adopted the boys all our children at home were still all pretty young and go-with-the-flow.  Now they are all older and have their own sets of feelings and emotions about it all. A few of them have needed a lot more one-on-one time, a few have needed a lot more attention, and a few of them have acted their feelings out in their behavior and that has probably been the hardest, especially for one of our four year olds who just hasn't been himself. But- time and the Lord heals all and we are all in this together, plugging away at feelings and behaviors and heart issues and learning to choose love and joy even when we don't feel like it.

I mentioned on social media a few days a little something about adoption being isolating and I had a question asked about it, so I wanted to follow up to that on here. Not many people understand adoption AFTER the airport. They grasp the paperwork, they grasp traveling and separation and waiting and then I think that most people imagine bringing your child home to be really amazing and sweet with all of the cuddles and hearts and just basically, completely romanticized. And I do believe that adoptive families have brought that on ourselves because very few families are open about what it's actually like and only post the sweet and the good and the melt-your-heart moments.

Except me :-) These kids are hurting, they are traumatized and in culture shock, sensory overload and again, hurting. They have lost every single thing they have ever known. Their families, friends, "home", routine, schooling, structure, culture, country. Most have experienced some form of trauma in their lives, whether it be abuse or death of a parent, starvation, living on the street, having to beg for their next meal and place to sleep. Now they are all of a sudden living with a family who does not look like them, does not speak like them or cook how they like and we cant communicate well and almost instantly there are so many expectations and everything is just thrown at the child all at once.

Here is your new family, go and be like them and live like them and change all you have ever known.

So no. It's not all cuddles and giggles and sweet family photos, its made up of a lot of hard times and a lot of hard days. It's filled with a lot of work trying to communicate needs and wants, work trying to feel somewhat settled. Filled with comforting grieving and hurt children , filled with trying to establish attachment between us and a bond and sometimes it takes years and years for this to happen.

Because not many people understand all of this, they often do not understand why adoptive families choose to withdraw from their usual outings and commitments, trying to stay at home and away from other people and places.

Because our girl needs to LEARN what HOME is. That this is her home, that we aren't leaving, this is her place. We don't go from home to home and friend's to friend's in this season for a reason.

Because when she hugs you and calls you mama, it may be cute and melt your heart but it's actually sad because she does not know what a mama is and what it means to have a real mom. To her, "mama" is basically any woman who she thinks will or can meet her needs. She needs to learn WHAT a mom is, what a mom does, and WHO her one Mom is.  To all my sweet friends, please, do not meet needs or wants for her when she approaches you.

We have one little guy who struggles with attachment, 3 years later. If he is not with us we will find him on someone's lap. All you have to do is smile at him and seem like a nice person and he is all.over.you. I weekly get comments and texts about how sweet he is and lovable- and he is sweet and lovable but it's not sweet or healthy or normal to be lovable with strangers and anyone/everyone. The very qualities that people love about him and think make him such a great little guy are the qualities we are so desperately trying to change.

People don't understand this stuff and it's so easy to feel alone in it all and why having a good adoption community is SO valuable in this journey! PS- I am so thankful to have so many understanding and supportive hearts here and far! We are blessed with a plethora of friends afar who we can reach out to, and our church family has been an awesome support since day 1. This is not a pity party post, but hopefully just informative and helpful.

On a lighter note:
-I ate half of a medium bag of peanut butter m and ms yesterday. How do they end up in my house!?
-I also made coffee 3x yesterday and never got around to actually drinking any of it.
-When we pull into the church parking lot, Olive excitedly shouts "church-y! church-y"! Hopefully this lasts when she realizes that VBS is NOT what our actual church experience is like ;-)
-One of my kids bit their VBS teachers finger today. And I'm like...egh. There are so many people I feel like biting sometimes too.
- My beloved summer reading list is not being worked through nearly as fast as I hoped, I'm only 1.5 books in.
-I'm reading for school to begin again, what is with the summer days being SO stinking long?!

Until next time, :)